Tuesday, October 6, 2009

My INsecurity Blanket!

Everyone has one. They come in different shapes, sizes, and conditions.  Some people  can't leave home without 'em, while others successfully shove them in a closet.  Even as grown ups, they are oh so much apart of our fabric and can pop up uninvited at any moment.  They are really the only thing keeping us from loving ALL of ourselves.  

Regardless of what your insecurity blankie looks like there is no mistaking how they feel.  For me it's those weird first day of school jitters you get when you know you should hold your head up high and be proud of who you are but everyone else seems more confident, secure, beautiful, happy, perky, pulled together, and effortless than you do.  No matter what you tell yourself you can't seem to put one foot in front of the other without doubting every shred of your being and of course with each step those feelings tend to multiply.  

Perfect example, I recently ventured out on my first trip away from husband and kids since morphing into motherhood (3 1/2 years to be exact) to visit an old college and beyond girlfriend who was about to be married.  I was so excited to see this person who knew me for who I was and who I wanted to be before the fleece, pony-tails, exhaustion, and dare I say-minivan took over.  But, I vowed not to be that mom!  I had a renewed bounce in my step with anticipation to do something hip, go somewhere trendy, and most of all talk about anything other than kids. 

That was until my insecurity blankie whispered in my ear a translation of what was really happening.  Blankie titled my trip...

Frumpy, No longer cool, "Hot for a Mom", Boring, PTA Freak, Who wears Faded Cotton and Flats... Visits ... Hot, Bikini wearing, Uber stylish, Always cool, Jet setting, Living life and Sleeping well, Kid-less, Awesome sex having Diva

OMG blankie was right!!! This trip was a mistake! Once you're in momma mode how do you fake it around people who aren't there yet? Sweaty, sleepless, panic set in.  

My heart knew this was just my stupid insecurity blanket trying to bring me down because NOTHING is more awesome than the fundamentals of motherhood, well maybe pizza.   But still, my head needed to feel satisfied and in love with my whole life in front of this friend.  I needed to pull off this air of  contentment mostly for my own beat down self worth.  There was just something about being around a cool, kid-less friend that unfortunately made me doubt who I had become.  I had been so busy getting through this phase of my life, I forgot and maybe conceded who I was and definitely where I was going.  Don't get me wrong I love my life as a momma but I also loved who I was before I had kids. There was something stressful about remembering and desperately attempting to reignite the best parts of my former self.  Somehow being around a person who knew that version made me want to prove that I hadn't changed  that much or at least only for the better.  I was forced to look at current state vs status quo.  Let's just say that swallowing a less shiny, stretch marked, grey haired, parent mode vision of ones self was hard.  

So, like a crack addict I grabbed my insecurity blankie and went shopping!!! New makeup. Check.  Awesome blue suede, peep-toe heels. Check.  Trendy boyfriend jeans. Check. Other unnecessary accessories. Check.  Bikini wax-just in case. Check. Haircut. Check. Mani/Pedi. Check. Cool/Hip wedding gift. Check. 

As I boarded the plane in my overly thought out outfit, reality sunk in.  No new hairdo or already passe trendy jean was going to make my friend like me more or else. If it did maybe it was time to reconsider the friendship because this really is who I am now. Desperately, I didn't want that outcome, but as I sat down in between two super funny, insecurity blanket toting guys, I decided I would make the most of this trip, frumpy momma or not!!!  As I poured myself a plastic cup of wine from Delta's high end house red, I ever so subtly dropped my blankie on the ground.  No one seemed to notice.

Instantly feeling lighter, I was able to enjoy the entire visit with Awesome Denver Diva and with my past.  All my insecurities were squandered by the reality that my friendship was based on something deeper than my looks or current successes.  It was built on a bond of laughter, listening, loving, and supporting each other through whatever phase we may be in at that time!! Throughout my stay, I was able to really rediscover a side of myself I was so afraid I had lost forever.  It was an amazing feeling of relief and warmth knowing that part of me was still there and it helped me let go of any doubts I had built up over the last few selfless years.  In fact it helped me fall in love with this new me, stretch marks and all because I earned them. I worked my ass off becoming this new person!!!   And finally I realized what I forgot to remind myself of all along.

I am still me! I am still all those things I have loved about myself! I am still beautiful, still cool, still hip, still fun, still worth other people's time!  I am still AWESOME!!! My friends see me for whoever they want to see me as.  Hopefully in a warm light. But, through this process I realized that what's most important is how I see myself!  And after all those sleepless, selfless, sacrificing years I have officially, in my eyes, turned into an even better version of my former self in endless, countless ways.  I am sure one day I will have a smaller waist but until then I am proud of the momma that looks back at me in the mirror!  I am a damn good mother, a decent wife, and fairly cool enough person.  I just need to throw my damn blankie in the back of my closet and forgive myself for this unnecessary pain.  

So learn from my mistakes and STOP beating yourself up and LOVE yourself already!!! As long as you love yourself, insecurities and all, updated versions or not, frumpy or trendy, life is going to be okay.  Just because you are a momma doesn't mean you are lost! You are still that awesome version of you but now with more layers to love!!! And don't feel bad when you feel insecure either. It's only natural.  Just get over it quickly. Because let's face it everyone has a blankie! 


  1. I've been waiting for this moment for you, Maria! When mommyhood and self become intertwined. If you're able to throw wife in there, you're triply blessed! It's all an evolution of your true self finding its way to the surface. Your first risk is giving yourself, in an honest way, to your soul mate. The next step: to your kids. You don't get lost - you just evolve! It's just that sometimes you don't recognize yourself. It often takes trips away to fully appreciate the direction your life has taken.

  2. I definitely agree. It's during those times of adversity that I find I'm suprising myself the most. And in these times that I think I learn the most about myself and my abilities. Like you put it, it's the first day of school, and guess what... Usually everbody survives that day, although they didn't think they would at the beginning!
    As always, wonderful words, Maria! Keep on inspiring me! (And making me shed a few tears when the hormones are on their little roller coaster ride!)

  3. Maria, I had to laugh at the description of your Denver friend...seriously, you must introduce us. She sounds amazing!

    I have always loved you for who you are and although years, men and babies come between us...and we may have grown up a little along the way...there isn't anything that could make me love you any less.

    You are a strong, beautiful women with a wonderful family and supportive husband that lets you take weekend vacations to Denver (Yay)...oh yes, and you have amazing style - love the blue suede shoes.

    Love you always my friend.